are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize