Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
