this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
