o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
