You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
