my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Someone came in the potted fern
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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