Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
