i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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