Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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