If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
