I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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