Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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