just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
