Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
my poor anus
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
