just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
