3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
