my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
