apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
