Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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