Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
