Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize