Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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