you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize