Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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