he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize