I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
