The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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