I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Green mimosas i think yes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
