I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
