i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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