I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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