U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
