I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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