just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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