So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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