You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
40s are totally the cure
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
