do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
