I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize