Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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