what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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