My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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