Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
