So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
