My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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