Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
high people should be assigned attendants
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize