totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
