P.S. I can't hear my feet
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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