Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
