I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
