Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
