bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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