I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
