when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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