like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize