How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
